Chapter 6: Confessions
"So why didn't you just tell me you had a girlfriend," Babygirl asked inquisitively. She had been doing a little homework behind my back. Apparently the two-hour sex extravaganza had left a bit of an impression on the young lady. Yeah, I know. You feel like I'm exaggerating but some guys actually can have sex for longer than ten or twenty minutes given the right mindset and circumstances.
My guess is Babygirl awoke the following day filled with all types of feelings and emotions she hadn't felt before. Those desires were undoubtedly a combination of her wanting to be catered to and me wanting to touch the heart of another soul. What made it even more eccentric was the fact her feelings poured out for a guy she hardly knew except for a brief conversation in class and a dance that plastered a childlike smile on her face for the evening at work. So Babygirl did what any female would do. She asked around about me. The Twins, my first two female friends from my first year at my new college, were more than happy to appease her curiosity. The elder of the two knew more about me than almost anyone else on campus.
"Because it's complicated," I responded. I tend to understate the obvious from time to time. I rehashed the story of Lady since I now had a new audience to entertain the slow release of hurt and anger built up within me. I gratefully revisited the inner torments I continued to struggle with. She listened silently, only on occasion interjecting with a quaint, nonchalant yet understandable "mm hmm." I knew it was wrong I hadn't told her and I only hoped she would not hold my deceitful actions against me, no matter how right or wrong we both felt they might have been.
"Ok, but I just wish you would have told me," was her response.
"Thank you for not being angry."
"I didn't say I wasn't angry, only that I understand."
"Well, I understand and I would hope I haven't given off the wrong impression." If you're not keeping up, Babygirl was only my third sexual partner. And she was wonderful at what she did. Our two bodies fit together like a hand in a glove and from that moment on, it appeared I had developed a constant release for the hurt I had built up from Lady.
Conventional wisdom says you should never enter a relationship when you have just experienced the type of heartache I had, but I allowed Babygirl to enter my life anyway and unjustly so. I didn’t accept her for who she was or who she could be. She, instead, came to represent everything Lady was not. She allowed me freedoms I was not accustomed to enjoying. She encouraged my hanging out with the fellas, often supplying her vehicle for our intrastate road trips once the pledge process was over. She became a confidant and a friend when I needed one, but Lady was still lurking in the background and still held both a sexual and emotional stronghold on my soul.
I continued to try to resolve my relationship with Lady. Babygirl vowed to stand by me because she respected the fact I was honest enough to tell her I couldn't handle Lady on my own. Or perhaps Babygirl stood by because she felt like she could win my heart over time while Lady continued to toy with my emotions. In either case, it is an unknown answer to a question I never bothered to ask.
The paths of Lady and Babygirl would eventually collide, which would bring to an end an early chapter of my life, in a sense. The first time, of course, was simply to pacify Babygirl’s curious nature. I assume any other females in her position would have the same curiosity. She had to know what Lady looked like. She did so without having to meet Lady face to face. She simply drove by my dormitory when she knew Lady was coming to see me.
I don't really understand why females choose to put a face to a name. I’m sure, as you have been reading, you have formulated a vision of me and of the ladies you have “met” thus far. Perhaps I remind you of a person you have crossed paths with in your own lifetime. Or maybe you are dealing with your own “guy” as you read right now. I can only speculate as to why this is, though I may be way off base. And if I am on the wrong path with this, I’m okay with it because it definitely wouldn't be the first time in my life.
Somewhere deep inside, whenever a woman feels as though she is in competition with another woman over a man, the first thing they want to judge is the physical attributes of the other woman. The only problem with this is you never really know what it is attracting that guy to that girl. I'm not too big on the physical appearance of a woman. I mean I am, but there has to be some sort of mental stimulation as well. And now that I think about it, I believe this is the reason why it turns me off when the only thing a woman can talk about is how good she thinks I look. It becomes annoying and unattractive to me. A female friend of mine once pointed out to me that women reach the same conclusion of men who focus solely on their physical appearance. It’s ironic many women do the same thing and yet see no fault in it. As far as I’m concerned, there are far more men out there who are a lot more attractive than me, so why focus or base a relationship on someone’s appearance?
The next time I can recall the two women’s paths crossing was the night I officially crossed the burning sands of my Greek-lettered organization. Lady came up uninvited with Ricky and my Mother. I had no knowledge of her presence and as you would expect, Babygirl was there. She had spent the past seven months or so supporting my decision, staying up late nights with me and the fellas to ensure we knew the information we needed and supplying me with things forbidden to the prospective applicants: Sex. Sweets. Sex. Fast foods. Did I mention sex?
When the “coming out” show ended, in all the commotion, Babygirl faded into the crowd as she watched Lady interact with my mother, Ricky and me from a distance. To say Babygirl was a bit perturbed would be greatly demeaning the emotion of anger. In her eyes, I was going away with a woman I professed to dislike so much for so long. And in my ignorance and emotional insecurity, I allowed Lady to again manipulate the situation. It took me two hours to get rid of Lady, thanks to Talent, and a long, sleepless night to get back in the good graces of Babygirl.
The final time the two ladies met would be the most destructive. It was the final summer I spent in my hometown and I was trying to get on with my life. Yet, Lady's presence was still pretty strong. I had begun to sleep with other women at this point, though there were not many. In fact, their existence should hold little significance, yet they represent the beginning of a much larger lifestyle of deceit on my part. Up until these few women, I had always been honest with both Lady and Babygirl in regards to who I was sleeping with. These few random women remained silent and a secret to the two main women in my world.
Lady came to my brother’s house, where I was living for the summer, distraught about something she had done. I let her in although I’m not sure why. I don’t believe it was due to wanting to let her in but probably more so need. She was a friend looking for advice apparently, and I was a hurt soul in need of something else. We talked. We hadn't communicated openly and honestly in so long. It was refreshing. It was a mental release of sorts for me. And it led to an action I regretted shortly after. Our bodies lay naked together for the last time. I felt as though I was retrieving a portion of my soul that had long evaded me. She comforted me as I did her and for a moment, I returned to the earlier days of our sexual curiosities and rekindled a long lost relationship.
A few days later, reality resurfaced into madness. Lady and I was knee deep in an argument when Babygirl came to town. By the time she arrived the emotions had boiled over between Lady and I and we were definitely in need of separation. Apparently the actions of the previous days somehow justified to my ex she was still in control of me and therefore had a right to deny me an opportunity to pursue a relationship with Babygirl or anyone else for that matter. When she arrived, Babygirl remained calm and tried to bring peace to a highly volatile situation.
“Just tell me how it got to this point here,” Babygirl asked me trying to divert my rage into a casual conversation.
“Oh that’s an easy answer right there,” Lady replied. “He thinks he can still fuck me and everything will be just fine with the two of you.”
I stood there shocked and appalled. It never dawned on me my actions, my last expression of love for a woman I continued to hold so close to my heart, would be betrayed. I knew it was wrong when it happened. I knew I should have told Babygirl I was still struggling to get over my hurt and pain. I should have told her I wasn’t ready to move on, but I felt she was the answer to my questions. I believed she was the resolution I needed to help me move on instead of dealing with the issues myself. Her head turned swiftly from hearing Lady’s final word and refocused angrily into my eyes. The question rose from the depths of her soul as I could see the tears she was fighting back well up in her eyes.
“Is she serious,” she asked me with a hint of doubt in her voice.
“Hell no, that ain’t true,” I responded looking past my current love interest into an expression of selfishness and sarcasm that Lady now displayed.
“Tell me the truth,” Babygirl stated sternly, making certain my eyes showed her the attention she so deeply desired at this junction. “Did you sleep with her?”
I was lost in her stare. It was a vision of concern, not only for her but also for me. It was as if her eyes were speaking to me, telling me this moment in our life was the most important. There was no way we could build a respectful relationship built on lies and misconception. There was no way she could help me through my struggles without an affirmation of my dedication to her. I felt the tears build up inside and my answer hit the air before I realized I had said it.
“Yes.”
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