Chapter 1: The Introduction

I am that guy. 

The guy who walks into a crowded room and suddenly, all eyes are on him if only for a moment.  I am the same guy who causes a table of four women to giggle in embarrassment.  I am the guy who other men are forced to compliment, even though they don’t want to.  I am the guy parents warn little girls about.  I am the predator who feasts upon the emotions of women, with little or no consideration for the outcome.

Yes, that’s me.  I am that guy. 

Of course I haven’t always been that guy.  I would like to think the inverse of that guy is where I am now.  Some may disagree.  Maybe I do, too.  I’m still trying to find the young innocent little guy who preserved his virginity until the age of 17.  Ironically, I would probably still be that younger guy if it wasn’t for that first girl. 

It’s amazing how our lives can evolve and revolve around the hearts of others.  I mean really, what could cause a man to change his morals and values, to completely ignore any resemblance of emotion in his actions and thought process?  What could change a perfectly logical, smart, God-fearing young man into a predator, a cheater and an adulterer? 

Well, I will tell you exactly how it could and did happen.  I’m inviting you to explore a detailed voyage from the not so very beginning to the not so distant past.  Or perhaps this can and will be viewed as an in-depth look into one man’s personal demons.  Deception, lust, envy, hate; all of those things some men and probably a few women struggle with in their lives.  It’s all here.  The real question is not from where I have come but where I will go from here. 

I wonder where the inner conflict began.  I’ve laid a lot of blame over the years and I realize it is about choice and whether or not I want to continue on this path.  Men would die to do some of the things that I have done.  Women would kill to experience the things that I have… Well, maybe not kill.  But I have seen them come to blows.  I’m moving too fast.  As I stated before, for now, it’s about that girl.

Ms. Lady.
Lady was, well, still is, an interesting young woman.  Growing up, she was confident, bold, and boisterous.  Lady was the type of female who was not ashamed to speak her mind or give her opinion about any one thing at any time.  She was the first to see in me what I never saw in myself.  Back then, in high school, I was a nerdy, shy, quiet 125-pound kid who could never see himself with half of the women I lusted over.  What Lady saw was not the little boy that stood before her, but the man I could become. 

         Lady was not a beauty queen, as family and friends told me on several occasions.  She stood about 5’7”, brown-skinned, with glasses.  Had I been more concerned with a woman’s appearance, Lady would not have been my girlfriend.  She wasn’t the girl you rushed home to meet your parents.  She wasn’t the female that some would jump into a relationship with either, which is why I was cautious of becoming involved with her at all.  We became really good friends first and then, we became what high-school-aged youth termed girlfriend and boyfriend.  Still not sure how that happened, but I didn’t need to understand the how. 

Lady took care of me.  She spoiled a poor kid with clothes and jewelry I never thought about obtaining on my own.  She sheltered me, keeping me as close as possible to her and as far away from others as possible.  I know now that it wasn’t a healthy way to carry out a relationship, but back then, I could not have been happier.  She became my everything.

         I would spend all day with Lady.  I would wake up in the mornings and call her.  Then, I would drive to school, where we would be with each other practically all day, excluding two or three classes at most.  After school, we would meet up and I would take her home and stay there until her father would put me out.  I would get home, call her, and fall asleep on the phone talking to her.  So when I say everything, I truly mean she was my every thing. 

         When Lady and I first met, I didn’t like her at all.  Honestly, I thought I hated her, defining the term “hate” the way any 15-year-old boy would who disliked a sassy mouth female.  But that was Lady.  You had to take the good with the bad.  We met through a mutual friend, Rick. 

Rick was one of my best friends growing up.  He was a natural talker and all around friendly guy.  As the youngest of my parents’ three sons, I was truly a quiet kid growing up and stayed to myself.  I’m not sure if it was a lack of self-confidence or nervousness or what, but outside of talking with my mother I really didn’t speak to many people at all.  My mother and I, we were all we had after my father left and my older brothers went their separate ways, so for Rick to be able to crack my outer shell and get me to become vocal was quite a task to say the least. 

I would ride home from school every day on the bus, staring out of the window and wondering where each car was headed.  I fantasized each vehicle was taking a trip to the store or to the mall.  I would think of getting home and watching television.  Mostly, my mind just wandered until the one day when my thoughts were interrupted by the cracking voice of a strange kid peaking over the seat in front of me.

“Why do you always sit there so quiet looking out of the window?” he had asked.

“Because,” I responded. 

In my mind I was actually wondering two things.  The first thing was, “Why you being so nosey, kid.  I’m not bothering you.”  And secondly, I was trying to find a continuation to the whole “because” line.  It was actually a very good question.

“Well you should speak more.  My name is Rick.  I think we live in the same neighborhood.”

“Yeah, I think we do.  I will work on talking more.” 

And just like that, I had a new best friend.  We became inseparable.  I was usually over at his house or him at mine.  We grew together through our adolescence and discussed things like losing our virginity.  We talked about the normal teenage male things.  Well, maybe not normal in today’s day and age.  But for the time period when we listened to Bel Biv Devoe’s “Poison” and sung along with LL Cool J’s “I Need Love,” we were on track for that type of thing.

Usually when I got to Rick’s house, I would climb the hill of his driveway and from the outside look through the window of his den.  I would speak to his parents if they were in the room and ask if Rick could come out.  His family was used to the routine so it struck me a bit odd the day I looked through the window and heard the following reaction.

“Who are you and why are you going around looking in people’s windows?” 

The voice startled me because it was one I had never heard before, and it was never really easy to see who was actually on the other side of the window I looked into.  My eyes were usually still blinded by the glare of the sun from the one-mile hike to Rick’s house, but in either case, the voice was much too young to rate any level of proper respect.

“Don’t worry about who I am.  Who are you?” I responded back trying to get my eyes to adjust at the same time.

“Don’t you worry about who I am,” the voice responded.  “I’m not the one looking into people’s windows.  Where I’m from, that type of action is frowned upon.”

“Frowned upon?  You can’t be serious.”

“You two chill out.  I’ll be out in a minute,” Rick chimed in.  He already knew both of us well enough to know that the conversation was about to get real interesting, real quick.

“I’m coming out too because I need to find out who you are,” the voice said. 

As I headed to the front door a few windows down on my right, Rick made his appearance on the front porch, followed by a slender, female figure dressed as if she were headed to an evening church service.  We exchanged pleasantries and angry stares, and I knew from that moment this particular young female and I would never be anything close to friends.

Of course that wasn’t the case.  When Lady expressed to Rick shortly after our initial encounter how she was going to become my girlfriend, I wasn’t so eager to go down that path with her at all.  To be honest, I wasn’t attracted to her.  When she asked me a few months later to “go with her” which was the custom at the time, I told her I thought it would be a good idea for us to wait and get to know each other better.  I suggested we should take the next year to decide whether or not we could even stomach each other’s existence, let alone decide if a relationship was in order.  She agreed and we began to hang out a bit more and chat occasionally on the phone.  We started hanging out more a school during the day and having lunch from time to time. We laughed and joked a lot but never really discussed being together, which made it easier to get to know her. I learned her likes and dislikes. We talked about people we were interested in. Over time, we became really good friends.  Seemed like that first year of our friendship went by quick.  And suddenly came the first time I allowed myself to be manipulated into relationship I did not want.

I was in a fairly comfortable, new relationship with another female in high school when my year deadline hit.  This new girl was a grade below me, but the age didn’t bother me, so I decided to give it a shot.  We had been seeing each other for about a month when I ran into a friend of Lady’s after school in the hallway.  She pulled me into an empty classroom.

“Why don’t you just tell Lady you’re not interested in her and stop stringing her along?” she had asked. 

We went back and forth for more than an hour and when it ended, I actually thought I dismissed the entire conversation.  However, the conversation had a resounding affect on me.  I began to wonder, was I actually stringing Lady along?  We spoke often and she would occasionally buy me things without me asking, which I thoroughly enjoyed. 

Growing up in a single parent home was tough on my mother and me.  I understood I had to make sacrifices in life.  I wasn’t afforded a lot of opportunities to buy things.  It didn’t bother me at all.  I had no intention of trying to impress other people and was quite comfortable going to school in old sneakers, sweatpants and a t-shirt.  I didn’t really have a desire or an understanding of being fashionable or trendy. 

Lady on the other hand, loved to shop and she worked at the mall.  There were many occasions where she would see a shirt, a pair of shoes, or an entire outfit and buy them for me.  She would bring me breakfast almost every morning.  I knew that anything I wanted from her, I could get, but I neither asked nor took advantage of the fact.  At least I don’t believe I ever did.

The unsolicited conversation was the first time I had truly realized Lady was actually patiently waiting on the day that I would say, “I’m yours” so we could live happily ever after.  I made a decision.  Lady actually deserved a chance with me.  She had stood by supportively during one short and unsuccessful relationship, and now I was moving into another relationship without giving her serious consideration.  I decided to break off my budding, comfortable journey of youthful exuberance and lust with my younger acquaintance and give Lady what she wanted.

Our union was definitely a learning experience.  And though it seemed to focus a lot on what she wanted, I enjoyed growing and learning life together with her.  What I sealed our relationship was the night of our senior-year homecoming.  It was as awkward as any two virgins losing their virginity could be.  It was also the greatest ten minutes of my young life.  It was what started me on a spiral to becoming that guy. 

The morning after, I awoke with a greater since of pride and honor. I had just completed some great right of passage.  I saw Lady in a whole different light, and I felt she viewed me the same way.  After that first encounter, there was no stopping us.  We couldn’t get enough of each other. 

To say we fucked liked rabbits would be the understatement of the century.  Lady had the body of a 25-year-old woman at the age of 17, with amazing flexibility.  And I had imagination and a desire to discover positions of passion no one had ever considered before.  We were both curious and willing to learn more from each other, so fucking became a daily ritual.  We crept away during any time of the morning, afternoon or night.  Anytime, any place, and any opportunity.  In the back seat of cars… the front seat of cars, her house, my house.  We fucked many times in both of our parents’ bedrooms.  There were a few times we ended up outside in the park.  Oh yeah, and let’s not forget center field of my high school baseball field… I was a baseball player for fourteen years so I found that one particularly erotic. 

As our relationship continued to evolve, my personal life became lost in her personal life. I no longer had my own life.  And I honestly didn’t mind at the time.  I thought that was what a relationship was supposed to be about.  Lady became the controller of my thought process and actions.  I rarely made a move or a decision without her consent.  When I wasn’t with her, I wasn’t anywhere.  When I hung out with my friends she was there because her friends became my friends and vice versa.  She not only planned out my life at the time, she also planned out my future and inserted herself in at all stages, as my future wife and mother of my son and daughter, both of who had names already.  I wasn’t even sure I wanted a wife and kids, but Lady was insistent and persistent.  And that is pretty much how it was until I got accepted to Hampton University.

Hampton University was the only college I had ever wanted to go to.  I didn’t even bother to apply to any other college.  I knew in my heart of hearts Hampton was where I would pursue my college education.  Fate would make a way for it to happen.  It wasn’t an issue of whether I could get in.  My grades were above average.  I played football and ran track in addition to playing baseball.  I also played an active roll in a high school community service organization. 

My extracurricular activities and intellect would all assist me in fulfilling my dream.  Paying for tuition would be the only obstacle hindering my progress.  My mother had faith in my abilities, and in turn, I did everything I could academically to ensure the cost to her would be minimal. 

I was accepted to Hampton on a partial scholarship.  In hindsight, I probably could have received a full ride had I not fallen asleep while breezing through the universal scale of educational competency known as the SAT.  I felt that my 1140 score was more than enough to get me where I needed to go; otherwise I would have attempted the test more than once. 

My mother approached me during the latter part of the summer following my high school senior graduation and told me she couldn’t afford to send me to school.  I would have to sit out a semester.  No big deal.  I understood.  I knew we were nowhere near well off, and I felt I could work and save up some money so I could take the burden off of her finances.  Lady was more than satisfied to hear this because even though she was happy I was accepted, she wasn’t thrilled to have me leave the state without her.  This temporary drawback ensured I wasn’t going anywhere just yet.

As we sat in church the Sunday prior to the beginning of the fall semester, I remember praying for my mother and for myself.  A simple prayer just to give us the strength we needed to make it through the end of the year.  I remember hearing my name called, and I remember my mother’s expression of gratitude on her face.  I was in shock and awe and wasn’t really sure how to respond.  It was the greatest thing I had ever heard, and I couldn’t wait to get home and tell Lady.  The church had decided to pay for my first semester of college as a reward for the work my mother and I had done in all the years we attended.

Lady was excited and hurt at the same time.  Her dream was that I would stay at a local school so we could be together.  I can only assume it was because of insecurities.  All of her actions were designed to keep me away from other people and specifically, other women.  But then again, she did wear the token of her love for me on her finger.  Yes, I had proposed.  I’m not sure why.  I was in no rush at all to get married.  In fact, Lady had purchased her own ring.  I was simply a pawn in the chess game. 

I did stay true to her though.  My mother ensured I was raised and taught to respect women, and as a result, I placed a lot of value in our relationship.  I never violated her trust in me and never had a desire to, even during the semester we were separated. 

I definitely had the opportunity.  There was a female I met my first week at Hampton who I spent a lot of spare time with.  We became really good friends; yet, as attractive as she was, I could never bring myself to cheat on my fiancée.  It just was not my style.  My friend and I would spend countless evenings together looking at the ocean just off the coast of the dormitories and I would run my mouth about how much I missed Lady while she patiently listened.  

The following semester, Lady followed me out of state and attended Norfolk State University.  It was not that she desired to attend that school by any means.  Her plan, which worked out in the end, was to bring me home.  She spent the entire semester convincing me I was becoming a burden on my mother and it would be a lot less expensive to attend a school in our home state.  She chose the city and the school and after a year of attendance, I was leaving the school of my dreams for her. 

What Lady wanted, Lady got.  So, home we came and though I wasn’t thrilled to be at my new location, I was now convinced that it was the best thing for me.  Looking back now, it was really getting out of hand, the person I was becoming.  I had no direction of my own.  This woman was clouding my decisions more and more.  She had molded me into the man she wanted me to be.  From the way I dressed to the things I decided to do with my life.  She controlled whom I talked to and how.  She had a role in every decision I made.  Perhaps, it was best that we experienced the tragedy of the following year.