Stay

I met her in the crowd
And although the noise was way too loud
I could sense we made a connection

Was quick to change direction
And generate a little conversation
Tried to keep my thoughts from wondering 
Of what she might need from me
Exchanged pleasantries, 
but secretly pondered other things
Undisclosed 
beneath our clothes
Our pulse began to race toward each other

I could see it in her face
This desire she disguised
Secret pleasures she likes to hide
Between her thighs
I felt her shake... 
But she would never admit this
Hoping to get the number, u know, share the digits
So I could explore sexual pleasure that she would later miss while I was gone

As quickly as she came, she faded into the crowd
Swallowed up by the noise that was way too loud
And we both were left to consider what could have been

If only she had stayed

I wonder

This mind is amazing
Allowing mental intercourse that will have u dazin'

Infatuation...

Dont deny this thing or make a fuss
Cause there's no rush
This dick is just
Re-DICK-u-lust...

Rewind

And allow ur mind to fathom the unimaginable
Incomprehensible time tables
That measure the pleasure of infinite possibilities.
As ur down on ur knees seeking the fountain of youth
Which sprouts between ur legs as u continue to give this head...

Allow me to dive into ur pool of untold bliss
Then reminisce
On times before we meet
And determine u've never been quite this wet
So what could it be about this being before ur eyes, between these thighs that u so eagerly have given to me?

At least to some degree...

It's destiny...

Awaiting to be experienced

Or perhaps within this amazing mind of mine or in another lifetime...

I wonder

Chapter 6: Confessions

Chapter 6: Confessions

         "So why didn't you just tell me you had a girlfriend," Babygirl asked inquisitively.  She had been doing a little homework behind my back.  Apparently the two-hour sex extravaganza had left a bit of an impression on the young lady.  Yeah, I know.  You feel like I'm exaggerating but some guys actually can have sex for longer than ten or twenty minutes given the right mindset and circumstances. 

         My guess is Babygirl awoke the following day filled with all types of feelings and emotions she hadn't felt before.  Those desires were undoubtedly a combination of her wanting to be catered to and me wanting to touch the heart of another soul.  What made it even more eccentric was the fact her feelings poured out for a guy she hardly knew except for a brief conversation in class and a dance that plastered a childlike smile on her face for the evening at work.  So Babygirl did what any female would do.  She asked around about me.  The Twins, my first two female friends from my first year at my new college, were more than happy to appease her curiosity.  The elder of the two knew more about me than almost anyone else on campus.

         "Because it's complicated," I responded.  I tend to understate the obvious from time to time. I rehashed the story of Lady since I now had a new audience to entertain the slow release of hurt and anger built up within me.  I gratefully revisited the inner torments I continued to struggle with.  She listened silently, only on occasion interjecting with a quaint, nonchalant yet understandable "mm hmm."  I knew it was wrong I hadn't told her and I only hoped she would not hold my deceitful actions against me, no matter how right or wrong we both felt they might have been.

         "Ok, but I just wish you would have told me," was her response. 

         "Thank you for not being angry."

         "I didn't say I wasn't angry, only that I understand."

         "Well, I understand and I would hope I haven't given off the wrong impression."  If you're not keeping up, Babygirl was only my third sexual partner.  And she was wonderful at what she did.  Our two bodies fit together like a hand in a glove and from that moment on, it appeared I had developed a constant release for the hurt I had built up from Lady.

         Conventional wisdom says you should never enter a relationship when you have just experienced the type of heartache I had, but I allowed Babygirl to enter my life anyway and unjustly so.  I didn’t accept her for who she was or who she could be.  She, instead, came to represent everything Lady was not.  She allowed me freedoms I was not accustomed to enjoying.  She encouraged my hanging out with the fellas, often supplying her vehicle for our intrastate road trips once the pledge process was over. She became a confidant and a friend when I needed one, but Lady was still lurking in the background and still held both a sexual and emotional stronghold on my soul.

         I continued to try to resolve my relationship with Lady.  Babygirl vowed to stand by me because she respected the fact I was honest enough to tell her I couldn't handle Lady on my own.  Or perhaps Babygirl stood by because she felt like she could win my heart over time while Lady continued to toy with my emotions.  In either case, it is an unknown answer to a question I never bothered to ask.

         The paths of Lady and Babygirl would eventually collide, which would bring to an end an early chapter of my life, in a sense.  The first time, of course, was simply to pacify Babygirl’s curious nature.  I assume any other females in her position would have the same curiosity.  She had to know what Lady looked like.  She did so without having to meet Lady face to face.  She simply drove by my dormitory when she knew Lady was coming to see me.

         I don't really understand why females choose to put a face to a name.  I’m sure, as you have been reading, you have formulated a vision of me and of the ladies you have “met” thus far.  Perhaps I remind you of a person you have crossed paths with in your own lifetime.  Or maybe you are dealing with your own “guy” as you read right now.  I can only speculate as to why this is, though I may be way off base.  And if I am on the wrong path with this, I’m okay with it because it definitely wouldn't be the first time in my life. 

         Somewhere deep inside, whenever a woman feels as though she is in competition with another woman over a man, the first thing they want to judge is the physical attributes of the other woman.  The only problem with this is you never really know what it is attracting that guy to that girl.  I'm not too big on the physical appearance of a woman.  I mean I am, but there has to be some sort of mental stimulation as well.  And now that I think about it, I believe this is the reason why it turns me off when the only thing a woman can talk about is how good she thinks I look.  It becomes annoying and unattractive to me.  A female friend of mine once pointed out to me that women reach the same conclusion of men who focus solely on their physical appearance.  It’s ironic many women do the same thing and yet see no fault in it.  As far as I’m concerned, there are far more men out there who are a lot more attractive than me, so why focus or base a relationship on someone’s appearance?

         The next time I can recall the two women’s paths crossing was the night I officially crossed the burning sands of my Greek-lettered organization.  Lady came up uninvited with Ricky and my Mother.  I had no knowledge of her presence and as you would expect, Babygirl was there.  She had spent the past seven months or so supporting my decision, staying up late nights with me and the fellas to ensure we knew the information we needed and supplying me with things forbidden to the prospective applicants:  Sex.  Sweets.  Sex.  Fast foods.  Did I mention sex? 

         When the “coming out” show ended, in all the commotion, Babygirl faded into the crowd as she watched Lady interact with my mother, Ricky and me from a distance.  To say Babygirl was a bit perturbed would be greatly demeaning the emotion of anger.  In her eyes, I was going away with a woman I professed to dislike so much for so long.  And in my ignorance and emotional insecurity, I allowed Lady to again manipulate the situation.  It took me two hours to get rid of Lady, thanks to Talent, and a long, sleepless night to get back in the good graces of Babygirl.

         The final time the two ladies met would be the most destructive.  It was the final summer I spent in my hometown and I was trying to get on with my life.  Yet, Lady's presence was still pretty strong.  I had begun to sleep with other women at this point, though there were not many.  In fact, their existence should hold little significance, yet they represent the beginning of a much larger lifestyle of deceit on my part.  Up until these few women, I had always been honest with both Lady and Babygirl in regards to who I was sleeping with.  These few random women remained silent and a secret to the two main women in my world.

         Lady came to my brother’s house, where I was living for the summer, distraught about something she had done.  I let her in although I’m not sure why.  I don’t believe it was due to wanting to let her in but probably more so need.  She was a friend looking for advice apparently, and I was a hurt soul in need of something else.  We talked.  We hadn't communicated openly and honestly in so long.  It was refreshing.  It was a mental release of sorts for me.  And it led to an action I regretted shortly after.  Our bodies lay naked together for the last time.  I felt as though I was retrieving a portion of my soul that had long evaded me.  She comforted me as I did her and for a moment, I returned to the earlier days of our sexual curiosities and rekindled a long lost relationship.

         A few days later, reality resurfaced into madness.  Lady and I was knee deep in an argument when Babygirl came to town.  By the time she arrived the emotions had boiled over between Lady and I and we were definitely in need of separation.  Apparently the actions of the previous days somehow justified to my ex she was still in control of me and therefore had a right to deny me an opportunity to pursue a relationship with Babygirl or anyone else for that matter.  When she arrived, Babygirl remained calm and tried to bring peace to a highly volatile situation.

         “Just tell me how it got to this point here,” Babygirl asked me trying to divert my rage into a casual conversation.

         “Oh that’s an easy answer right there,” Lady replied.  “He thinks he can still fuck me and everything will be just fine with the two of you.”

         I stood there shocked and appalled.  It never dawned on me my actions, my last expression of love for a woman I continued to hold so close to my heart, would be betrayed.  I knew it was wrong when it happened.  I knew I should have told Babygirl I was still struggling to get over my hurt and pain.  I should have told her I wasn’t ready to move on, but I felt she was the answer to my questions.  I believed she was the resolution I needed to help me move on instead of dealing with the issues myself.  Her head turned swiftly from hearing Lady’s final word and refocused angrily into my eyes.  The question rose from the depths of her soul as I could see the tears she was fighting back well up in her eyes.

         “Is she serious,” she asked me with a hint of doubt in her voice.

         “Hell no, that ain’t true,” I responded looking past my current love interest into an expression of selfishness and sarcasm that Lady now displayed.

         “Tell me the truth,” Babygirl stated sternly, making certain my eyes showed her the attention she so deeply desired at this junction.  “Did you sleep with her?”

         I was lost in her stare.  It was a vision of concern, not only for her but also for me.  It was as if her eyes were speaking to me, telling me this moment in our life was the most important.  There was no way we could build a respectful relationship built on lies and misconception.  There was no way she could help me through my struggles without an affirmation of my dedication to her.  I felt the tears build up inside and my answer hit the air before I realized I had said it.

         “Yes.”

Climax

I eagerly await this penetration of ur soul.
This physical connection that sends internal vibration to ur mind from ur toes and all spots in-between.
It's deep...
A journey within ur abyss of pleasure
A simple thought to treasure
And one well beyond measure
It's ... Fulfillment
A interconnection of wills that
Defies rationalization.
It's hard to explain...
But you'll feel the pains of lust and desire
As I slide inside to light the fuse of that internal fire that will make you loose ur mind
No composure
No rules of engagement
Just fucking...
For fucks sake
To arrive at a climax you've never thought was attainable

Chapter 4: A Fresh Start

Chapter 4: A Fresh Start

Something I’ve heard consistently for most of my dating life is “where are all the good men these days”.  Apparently, according to most women, the good ones are all taken which is mostly true I guess if you buy into hearsay.  I believe most “good men” have just been transformed through circumstance and experience into the not-so-good or less desirable types. 

Now don’t put the book down quite yet, just allow me to explain.  It is my belief there is a crossroad every young man comes to at some point in his life.  And it’s at this juncture a decision has to be made whether or not to journey down one of two paths.  Whichever choice he makes, for good or for bad, it will continue to be at the root of each major decision in his life and anyone’s life he may come in contact with.  The choice: does he do what is right or does he do what he knows and understands to be wrong.  It boils down to that complex decision and what he decides to do at that point will develop him into the man he will become. 

         Up until the point where I had my heart crushed and my world as I knew it collapsed around me, I believed I was the good man.  I felt I was the guy who would always do what was right. I had developed a strong sense of devotion and dedication.  I had a strong foundation in my faith in God.  I was raised the way any single mother would raise her youngest son in hopes he would not become one of the numerous “no good” men his mother resented because of their previous transgressions.  Most importantly, I liked the man I was inside. 

In one instance, one moment in time, my first love had violated all the things I knew near and dear to me and sent me towards a dark path of an unknown world.  Well, perhaps it was more than just the one particular event, the lies associated with it, or the drawn out break up which turned my emotions inward, shut off from myself and the things I saw as important in life.  It was these events mixed in with a little bit of influence from outside sources.

         Men, you see, we tend to congregate together if you haven’t noticed.  We rarely have the compatibility issues our female counterparts tend to have.  We bond with one another on so many different levels, and it is towards our most genuine companions we tend to most emulate and gravitate.  Perhaps it is the deep-rooted desire to have a personal relationship with our fathers, who sometimes have gone on to live their own lives, which forces us to build each other up. 

Whatever the case, statistically speaking, I’m confident saying if you find a group of men or connect with a bunch of guys, you will generally find they act a lot alike.  They will use the same phrases and mannerisms… that is if they truly consider each other to be brothers.  Maybe it’s the whole “alpha male theory” that applies here; basically, the most dominant traits in the pack float to the top.  I don’t know and maybe I am stretching a bit here, but I believe no matter how you look at it, my boys were partially instrumental in my initial transformation from childhood to manhood.

         I still remember the wait in line for financial aid when I was registering for the new semester.  I was still trying to figure out how Lady had managed to get me to leave the campus I admired for so long to end up in a place where my face vanished amongst a crowd of white students.  More importantly, I wondered how exactly black could actually fade into white.  Not that I am racists or attempting to be controversial.  I guess that’s another story. 

After sitting for more than thirty minutes the silence was broken by the comedian sitting across from me.  Apparently, him and I were in the same boat, both of us having transferred from other schools and finding our schedules and financial aid ridiculously complicated.  Our hysterical outbursts served to pass the time and relieve the stress felt by everyone else present. 

The hours passed, we entertained and went about our jovial lives.  Ironically, my comedic counterpart, who became known to me as Talent, and I would end up in a sociology class during our first semester, but we still kept our distance from one another.  Not sure why that was.  Outside of exchanging pleasantries and our discord about the professor, we really never talked outside of the ten-minute forums before and after our beleaguered hour of torture.  It wasn’t until the following year that the two of us would become brothers-in-arms.

         Talent had a gift.  Well, he had many gifts actually.  For one, the man could flat out sing.  Sure, we’ve all had friends who could sing, but this brother could blow like no other ironically, because he COULD blow like any other.  He could mimic any singer’s voice to the T.  “Except Keith Sweat,” he admitted to me once because the man “whined way too much.”  It was amazing how many women this man could bring around with nothing more than a hum. 

Talent was also a comedian.  I mean literally.  He did stand up comedy at a few spots around town.  He could mimic just about any comedian’s voice as well.  The brotha used his gifts to lure in women of all shapes and sizes.  Many times I sat in awe, as did everyone else who stood around.  He used to sing Jamie Fox’s stand-up comedy version of ‘Mary Mary’ all the time, which cracked me up.  I remember it going something like this: 

Mary, Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

Girl I bet you I can wet you, really nice and slow.

One day Mary, she got weary, and left me all alone.

I wonder if Mary knows, how much I love her so-

Mary and Talent in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love, then comes marriage,

Then next comes Mary’s baby carriage…

Talent was an intellect.  He was one of those brothas, who grew up in the streets but made sure his common sense matched his knowledge of the hood.  He was a human thesaurus and could move a crowd when he spoke.  It was incredible how well he could articulate a thought and how he mastered the human language.

Talent also had a temper.  He was a big man.  He stood roughly 6’3” and every bit of 210 pounds.  His fists were large and worn, tested by the many battles of his youth.  He was the guy you would call if you were having trouble, or even if you weren’t having trouble but wanted to.  He enjoyed a good skirmish and constantly boasted there wasn’t a fight he had lost.  From the stories and jokes he told, he had quite an impressive resume.

It was the fall of my second year at my second university when our paths collided.  At the end of the spring term, myself and four other young men had begun a journey to become members of a Greek letter organization.  And though we were apart from each other over the summer months, we were required to keep in close contact with not only each other but with the big brothers of the organization as well.  A few weeks before the beginning of the fall semester, I received the call we would be adding another individual to our numbers and I needed to make contact with him.

“You know who he is,” I was told.  “Everybody knows him.”

“I don’t know that nigga,” I amusingly responded.  Come to find out, that “nigga” was Talent.  We stood face to face the first day of school and responded simultaneously with glee once we laid eyes on each other.

“Oh, this nigga,” we screamed!  We greeted each other the way most young black men do these days, with a firm grip of hands pulling each other into a manly embrace, as if we were old friends who grew up in the neighborhood together for years and hadn’t seen each other in a few weeks.  From that day on, it seemed as if we were inseparable.  And when the ordeal occurred with my first, it was he who gave me the path to healing.

“Man, you just need to pull yourself together and move on.  There are way too many females out here to trip out about some nonsense.  I think you’d better let it go (a la Teddy Pendergrass).”

He was correct in his wisdom and over time, he gave me his gift.  You see, though I had been around Talent watching him from a distance, it wasn’t until we were pledging that I realized how much of a womanizer he was back then.  This brother had the gift of confidence.  It was something I lacked at the time and Talent exploited my subtle shyness and eagerness to learn to express myself.  He used it all to our advantage. 

He realized my hazel eyes were somewhat of a female magnet.  So many times he would lure women in with the singing and they would cut an eye at me.  He would then be my voice.  It took me a while to realize it but I could see it happen more and more until eventually his voice became my own.  The first time I really saw and understood what was happening occurred in another class we had together. 

Although it had been a year since Sandra had tarnished my opinions of women and relationships, I was still struggling with breaking down the shackles that had me bound to Lady.  And it was around this moment in time I met a young woman who also would have a profound impact on my life, although she was never appreciated for what she was worth.  In hindsight, I should have taken the same approach with her I had originally taken with Lady.  I should have just waited.  There was no rush, but the way we met and the whirlwind that followed wouldn’t really allow for patience to play any type of role.

         Talent had met Lady during the year following his and my reunion.  He had a front row seat to the madness remaining from a relationship that had existed for far too long.  Longer than I believe anyone would and should have expected it to, including Lady and me.  There were terrible arguments between the two of us, Lady and I, and even through all of the drama, I couldn’t let her go.  I didn’t actually know how to let her go.

         Sandra continued to complicate my life for a short while, but our rendezvous grew desolate once the summer ended and I returned to college.  We spoke on the phone a few times, but the relationship, if that’s what you deem to call our few sexual escapades, was hollow from the beginning and therefore had no hope of ever budding into the relationship I believe she hoped it would.

         Talent would constantly ask me what the hell I was thinking.  Lady was not the female many felt I should have been with.  Not only that, it seemed as though apparently a brotha of my stature and appeal to women should not just “settle” for what I thought was all I could get.  So the search for a new life began.  Of course, I wasn’t aware of this quest, but Talent certainly was. 

         The first time I was privy to the esoteric quality my eyes held was during a class Talent and I shared.  African-American History.  It was his idea.  Not because either of us were history majors, but rather it fulfilled a general education requirement.  And at this traditional university, it was a guarantee the majority of the Black women in their first and second year of college were going to be in this course.  It was probably about an eight to one ratio, female to male, which was right where we needed to be apparently. 

         “Hey, are those your real eyes?” I was asked one day right before the hour was coming to an end.  The question came from a young lady Talent had obviously marked as a new victim. 

         “Yes, they are mine, last time I checked.”

         “What color are they,” she inquired.

         “I’m not sure, you tell me,” I responded laughing.  “You’re looking at them.  They tend to change depending on my mood and what I’m wearing.”

         “Like a mood ring, huh?”

         “Yeah, I guess that’s one way to describe them.”

         “Well, Babygirl thinks they are gorgeous.”

         “Bianca!” Babygirl responded shockingly, caught off guard when her friend had revealed the secret they had recently discussed.

         “Is that right?” I questioned.  My eyes now shifted focus from Bianca, the origin of the initial question to the now flustered Babygirl.  She was a beautiful young woman with phenomenal legs and an ass like none I had laid eyes on up to then.  The perfect muscle sat upright on her back, supported by thighs developed from years of dance, cheerleading and softball.  I had actually seen her five foot four inch frame around the campus a few times, most recently during the Greek softball games which I had taken part in although I was not officially Greek at that point.

         “Yeah, that’s right,” she answered.

         From there we carried on the normal exchange between college students.  Questions of where are you from followed by what’s your major were answered and there was a strong initial attraction.  The class was dismissed, we chatted our way out the door and then we parted ways.  Babygirl and Bianca went their way while Talent and I continued our regular routine towards the cafeteria.

         I felt good about the initial meeting.  I honestly never thought I would be able to speak to Babygirl although my eyes had definitely wandered her way from time to time.  But I really didn’t put too much hope into it until Talent wandered into my room later that evening.

         “Hey dog,” he began.  “Bianca is coming by after work tonight.”

         “That’s straight,” I responded, not allowing my eyes to wander from the Madden NFL game I was currently zoned into at the time, while lying on my bed.

         “She’s bringing Babygirl with her.”

         “Word?!”  I couldn’t contain my excitement as I sprung up from the bed and dropped the remote, game instantly forgotten.  “Tell me you’re playin’.”

         “Not at all.”

“Man, I love that woman.  She is so sexy to me.”

“Yeah she is.  And I bet the ass is like Campbell’s soup.  Mmm-mmm good!”

         Talent had a way with words.

         Bianca and Babygirl graced us with their presence before they went to work for the evening.  Bianca came upstairs and left Babygirl in the car waiting, so I went downstairs to keep her company.  I really don’t remember all of the conversation we had.  Pleasantries were continued from earlier in the day and flirtatious looks were exchanged.  I remember I stood outside the driver’s side of Babygirl’s car leaning into the driver’s window.  I started dancing to the music.  She asked why I was doing the butterfly outside of her car to which I responded, “Uh-uh that’s old, let me see you tootsie roll.”  As corny as it was, we both laughed and her smile made me feel as though everything was better than things seemed at this point in my life.

         The ladies came back late that night as promised.  After working long hours at the late night fast food restaurant, Babygirl and Bianca looked equally tired.  After some cordial conversation, Talent and Bianca disappeared into a back room of the apartment and left Babygirl and me alone in the silence of the moment.  I broke the silence by offering a tired woman a massage.

         “Of course.  Are you any good?” she inquired.

         “I do okay for myself,” I assured her.  She lay down on the floor of the living room and allowed my hands to investigate the curves beneath her uniform.  Her body was firm, yet soft and yielded to the slight pressure I applied.  The soft moans she released from time to time were confirmation my desires were eager to be accepted.  I interrupted her comfort to escort her to the bedroom where the physical arousal would continue. 

The massage continued.  I moistened my hands with lotion and allowed them to explore the terrain. 

“Is it ok if I unhook this,” I asked, referring to her bra strap.

“No, go ahead,” she whispered softly.

I asked because I didn’t want to violate her expectations.  I was also journeying into unchartered waters and didn’t want to come off the wrong way.  Every fiber in my being wanted to be with her the more I caressed her body.  My thoughts begin to play tricks on me as my body stiffened with anticipation. 

Up until this point, another woman had never aroused me other than Lady.  Sure, I had laid with Sandra on two occasions, but my mind was never there.  And without the mind, the body fails to perform to its fullest potential.  Though I barely knew the woman, I had watched her from afar for nearly a year.  I felt connected to Babygirl in a way I had never felt before.  I wanted to lie with her.  I wanted to show her all the love and affection pent up inside of me.  I wanted to perform like I had never done before.

Our lips met in the darkness and our hands undressed each other, guided only by the memories of our imaginations.  The light from the moon peeked in from the open shades and reflected off of the firmness of her naked body.  My pulse raced faster than it had ever done before.  The pace of our breathing heightened beyond measure.  My kisses traveled from her lips to the nape of her neck, from her hardened nipple to the edge of her belly button.  The journey ended between her thighs and at this moment, our two souls became one.  

Just A Kiss

It was just a kiss...
A chance encounter between two people that caused them to reminisce.
Of past relationships
And future sex quicks
Or quickies
And longies and acts in between

Just a kiss...

Our lips collided and gave way to possibilities of erotic escapades
Of consensual threesomes or sex in the Everglades
Maybe inside an Escalade
Or exploring unlimited different ways.

A kiss...

That made you rain down inside your pants
A moisten up my hands
Like I was holding a hundred grand
And it should have continued, this physical act of arousal
This casual precursor to licking your body in places before unreached
Or maybe before but none quite like me...

Those lips led down to those lips wrapped around my lips as my tongue explored those lips and  these words from your lips...

"That was AMAZING"

Just a...

Repeated memory that I cant shake or seem to wake from.

Just a feeling of desire I want more of

A lust

A want

A kiss

Can I have another?

Chapter 2:Betrayal

I didn’t attend Hampton alone.  I was accompanied by yet another childhood acquaintance.  Philip and I grew up in church together until his parents were led to another pastoral father figure who guided their religious lives.  Our paths continued to cross through childhood and high school.  We played four years on the same baseball and football teams.  We had several classes together as well.  And in addition to Ricky, and whomever he was dating at the time, Philip and his companion were pretty much the only people Lady allowed me to hang out with. 

We all spent many evenings together going on dates, mostly to the bowling alley or to see a movie.  When Philip approached me during our senior year of high school and inquired about what college I was planning on attending, he was excited when I said Hampton because it was one of his choice schools as well.  Both of his parents were alums, and as legacy they encouraged him to go there as well.  When he told me his plans for Hampton, I was just as excited about his as he was about my own.  Who wouldn’t enjoy being able to have a familiar face when you are away from the comforts of home?

Philip and I were inseparable our first semester.  We did everything as a duo even though he was housed in the dormitory cattycorner to my own.  We became known as “The Carolina Connection” during spades tournaments, which was the game that brought us in contact with numerous other young men from across the country who had decided to further their development at Hampton.  And as a collective group of 12, our fellow classmates knew us simply as “The Spades Players.”  During the day, we went our separate ways, but around three o’clock every day you could find us in the lobby of Harkness Hall doing what we were known for. 

Each team had its own method of play.  We all had our own methods of cheating as well.  After a while, it was almost impossible to pull off on the other teams since we were so familiar with one another.  We partied together, drank together and went on road trips together.  It was the perfect year of college.  Those games and my boys were some of the things I would miss the most once Lady made the decision it was time for me to depart.

The following year, even though I had transferred to a college back in North Carolina, Lady saw fit for us to attend homecoming at Hampton.  I was elated to return and get the opportunity to see my boys and reminisce.  Philip’s parents had bought him a condo just outside the campus gate so Lady and I weren’t concerned with where we would stay. 

Lady, Tracie, who was another female friend we all knew from school, and I made the journey up the coast.  The weekend went along as any other would, at least on the surface.  I saw all of my friends.  We all went out.  We had a party at the house.  There was underage drinking, card playing and whatnot.  We attended the football game and did all the things I used to do with my boys during my freshman year.  I really missed the place.  But all of this was merely superficial.  It’s what went on underneath the surface that impacted my life forever.

The Saturday night before we were to return to North Carolina, I remember the four of us, Lady, myself, Philip and Tracie, all sitting in the condo joking around as always.  It was cold in the house, so Philip brought an electric blanket into the living room.  We all snuggled up beneath it trying to keep warm and reminisced about high school.  As it got later and eyelids became heavier, we decided it was time to break away for the evening.  Philip retired to his room.  Lady and I went to the second bedroom where we had been staying and Tracie assumed her position on the couch.  Lady and I lay next to each other embracing as always when she decided that she needed that electric blanket from Philip.

“I’m going to take it from him,” she said.

“He’s not going to let you have it,” I groaned, exhausted from the partying, card playing and alcohol consumption of the week.  Philip and Lady had been going back and forth about it all night.

“We’ll see,” she said.  My eyes slowly closed shut as I dozed of to a vision of Lady exiting the room and closing the door behind her.

I didn’t really enjoy my first year at my new school.  It’s hard to adjust when you move from a predominately black university to a traditionally white one.  The only good part about it is it was fairly easy to make friends considering the black population was so small.  Not as if I’m against making friends with other races.  I guess you just have to be there to see my point.  My new location did make it easy to come back home during the school break and catch up with Ricky and my family. 

Things had gotten really awkward between Lady and me but I couldn’t quite place my finger on it.  It just seemed as though we didn’t spend the same amount of time together that I had grown accustomed to.  Not that it bothered me much.  I am not now nor have I ever been a jealous type of guy.  I understood college brought additional responsibility, and I was satisfied with the time I was getting.  The summer following the school year, when we were all together again, there was just a feeling in the air.  Ricky and I discussed it one night on the way to the bowling alley.

“Man, have you ever just felt like things weren’t quite right,” I asked.

“What do you mean, dog?  Talk to your man,” Ricky responded in his usual jovial manner.

“Things between me and Lady, they’ve just been odd lately,” I said.  The vision of the passing painted lines on the highway reminded me of those first rides on the school bus that started our friendship and made me chuckle a bit under my breath.  “I think she may be doing something behind my back, but I’m not too sure.”

Ricky sat quietly listening as he drove the car in and out of traffic.  I continued to voice my concern about my relationship and questioning myself about whether I was doing something wrong.  I mentioned I had questioned Lady about us and had asked her if there was anything happening that she felt I should know about.  I asked if she had gotten bored with our relationship or if there was another guy she was interested in.  She denied any wrongdoing and told me I was being a bit paranoid for no apparent reason.

“Still,” I said,  “Something just ain’t sitting well with me, man.  You know what I mean?”  Ricky continued to sit quietly yet astute as if there was an answer he held to an unasked question.  “Forget it, man I’m tripping.  How’s school going?”  Our conversation shifted gears from that moment and continued uneventfully for the rest of our journey to the bowling alley.

Ricky and I parked and exited the vehicle.  Philip had been following close behind with his current acquaintance in his passenger seat.  Lady had already arrived and had brought along a new friend, a young lady named Sandra.  The two met a few weeks prior in summer school.  They were both taking an English class at the local university. 

Sandra was an extremely attractive woman.  It’s odd for me to point that out because until this point, there wasn’t another woman who had caught my eye the way Sandra did.  It was as though I had, or Lady had rather, placed an imaginary set of blinders on my eyes.  Sandra demanded attention from every man in her presence, yet she was very humble and down to earth.  Lady felt like Sandra needed to meet Ricky so I suppose you could say we were all on one big blind date. 

The evening went extremely well for all parties involved, and for the next few weeks or so, Sandra became a permanent fixture among our outings.  It seemed like we all bonded quite well in the short amount of time, which is why it was surprising to receive the call from Ricky one evening.

“Man, I need to talk to you about something,” Ricky said excitedly.  I had heard this excitement before.  It was usually followed by some great information about a sexual escapade or a fine young lady he had just met.  I listened in eager anticipation, eating my snacks as if I were preparing to watch a film on the big screen.

“Lay it on me man, what’s going on?”

“So Sandra and I have been talking a lot the last week on the phone,” Ricky began.

“I knew you were gonna get that,” I responded.  “It was just a matter of time.”

“That’s just it, man.  We’ve been talking and she is really feeling YOU,” he told me.

“What?” I coughed, astonished and choking on the Dr. Pepper that I had just took a sip from.

“Yeah, I’m not kidding you.  She’s been asking me all about you and she wants to meet up with you.”

I didn’t know what to say.  Well I know what I WANTED to say but what came out was, “Are you for real?  What about Lady.”

“Sandra says it’s completely your call on that one man.  But I know what I would do.”

The whole situation caught me off guard.  Lady and Sandra seemed to click really well together.  Sure, I had seen Sandra steal a glance in my direction from time to time, but I didn’t think anything of it.  I continued to debate the issue with Ricky but it was as though he insisted I carry on a conversation with Sandra at the very least.  I finally agreed. 

“Cool.  I’ll arrange the meeting then,” Ricky said.

“Cool, but what am I going to tell Lady?”

“I got you on that one.  Don’t even worry about it.”

Over the next week or so, Sandra and I had a hidden friendship.  Nothing disrespectful or out of the ordinary was happening between us, unless you include the fact I was meeting with this woman behind Lady’s back.  I wouldn’t allow anything further than that to take place although it didn’t stop her from discussing and pursuing the possibilities. 

Mostly we just talked.  It was refreshing to talk to a woman who wasn’t Lady for a change.  Sandra appeared so interested in getting to know me.  Well know me and fuck the hell out of me, as she so eloquently put it.  We were young and she spoke her mind, which I admired.  I knew it was wrong to have late night conversations with her, but the more we talked, the more the desire grew to want to see her more and more.  I would still spend my days with Lady, but before I headed home for the night I would make a detour.  The second week is when it all came crashing down on me.

“You are definitely an interesting guy,” Sandra began to tell me one evening.  I thanked her and returned the compliment.  “Lady is lucky to have a guy as loving and devoted as you.  It’s just too bad she doesn’t feel the same way.”

I had never been privy to what occurred the homecoming night we spent at Philip’s.  I know whatever it was, it happened and was never questioned by me.  I know it started a series of events that would culminate in the destruction of what I thought to be the things everyone respected in a relationship.  Trust, loyalty, honesty.  I know now, though I hadn’t realized it then, Lady made some type of excuse the following weekend to return to Hampton and to Philip.  It was not the trip I was led to believe she was taking. 

I only know these things because I was told these things.  And it wasn’t because I questioned these things.  I know the only things I can control in life are my own actions.  I realize now the awkwardness between Lady and me began on that innocent weekend.  And to complicate the issue, Lady wasn’t mature enough to admit her faults to me although she found it necessary to share the details of that weekend, and subsequent other encounters between her and Philip, with people she considered to be her friends.  These things are what led to her downfall and my own enlightenment.

Sandra informed me of actions and incidents that disgusted me to my core and filled me with all types of emotions I had yet to experience.  Lady had violated everything I knew to be near and dear to my heart.  And Philip had not only taken my every thing from me, but he continued these sexual excursions behind my back while smiling in my face at the same time.

Heartache.  Uncertainty.  Regrets.  Remorse.  Friendship.  Loyalty.  Trust.  My faith and belief in friendships and relationships was now an unanswered question.  All of these unfamiliar emotions imploded on my inner soul with the force of a hurricane.  And my bearer of bad news stood in front of me, held onto my broken body and cried along side of me.